SURVIVAL MODE: What it is Really Like Living in Survival Mode.
Let’s talk about Survival Mode
What is it?
The simplest explanation that I found is this…
Survival Mode is a stress response.
And, when you’re in Survival Mode, your stress response is constantly firing and activating your stress-response systems because it’s constantly focused on detecting danger or threats. This is exhausting and overwhelming your brain and body.
In this post on Calm it talks about being in survival mode occasionally is normal however staying in survival mode for too long can be harmful.
It goes on to say “you might start seeing many situations as threats, even when they’re not”.
This post by Charlie Health says “being in survival mode is akin to constantly being in a state of stress and is marked by physical and mental exhaustion”…”parts of their brain associated with fear are overactive.”…”the body and brain are working in overdrive to achieve a feeling of safety.”
When I read this, it made SO MUCH SENSE!!! I finally knew what was happening to me, which meant could find a way out!
It is how I have been living for many years, definitely since I had children, maybe even as early as starting high school.
How it affected me…
I remember a time when driving to pick Drew up from school, he was only about 5 or 6. I got to the school and I had no idea how I got there, I can’t explain it but I didn’t remember the drive, I couldn’t picture any of it. I remember my whole body shaking, I felt sick, and I am pretty sure I cried!
Looking back, I know I was struggling and living in survival mode, I was told it was depression, but thinking about everything that was going on in my life, it makes more sense that I was in survival mode.
When you live in survival mode people may assume that you are being selfish, a horrible friend and that you don’t care about them anymore.
It’s not that you don’t care, it’s that you literally cannot function as you once did. A simple task of asking someone how they are doing or following up with a question becomes impossible. Then the guilt sets in.
I have not been able to forgive myself for all the ways I have let people down, this has snowballed to the point where it felt like I was carrying a bag of rocks, but it is shame.
Can you imagine holding onto every mistake, error of judgement, harm, bad thing for over 30 years? It gets bulky and heavy. Worst of all you start to believe the negative thoughts in your head.
Stranded on a Deserted Island…
I would push, push, push, push, crash for a month, duck tape the cracks, then push, push, push again, ignoring the fact I was sinking. This went on for 15+ years.
Then last year I couldn’t push anymore. It all became too much, and I crashed, but unlike before I wasn’t able to just “duck tape” things back together.
This time I was shipwrecked on a deserted island; I had lost my bearings, I had no concept of how much time passed, I had no “tools”, I felt helpless.
My day-to-day life consisted of making sure my family stayed alive, I had no capacity for anything else.
It was sleep, feed family, sleep, feed family, sleep REPEAT. On good days, I could shower, do laundry. Leaving the house was impossible.
It was destroying the person I really am it was time to get to the root of everything.
Transitioning Out of Survival Mode…
(I am a work in progress…)
Over the last year it is like bits and pieces from the ‘shipwreck’ washed ashore, tools to help me navigate me to the “mainland”.
It started with weekly therapy and reflective journaling. Finding the right therapist has been key to me working through everything. She helped me understand that I needed to start small and prioritising my self-care.
She helped me understand what survival mode was and how it affected me. This was essential in having a starting point, although I am just starting to fully understand the real impact it has had on my life.
It wasn’t a fast process; it took nearly a year of weekly counselling before I could actually start shifting my mindset.
Every message, piece of post, and interaction was an instant threat. I started automatically thinking everything was going to be bad. I had panic attacks, every time a notification appeared on my phone, the letter box went or I left the house.
The only way I could deal with this was to turn off all my notifications. Sometimes it meant shutting my phone off and leaving it off. Napping became the only way I could stop the thoughts.
My response has always been to “go dark” as I referred to it, I couldn’t reply to anyone (family included) I didn’t fully understand what was happening.
My therapist helped me shift my mind-set and to start to understand that I was trying to protect myself, and although it had its negative side effects, I was only trying to look after myself. Going into solitude for my selfcare, learning who I am!
So now I refer to it as “cocooning” and it has become the most important part of my recovery.
Acting like a caterpillar…
I chose the phrase cocooning because the fact caterpillars cocoon and come out with wings! Able to fly! A better version of themselves! This is what it felt like I was doing.
It enabled me to sit in the quiet, listen to my thoughts, start to feel and identify all the things that are not the right fit for my life, things that have been keeping me in survival mode. Identify what matters to me.
Most days I feel like there is no way out, that I will never be able to stop the cycle I have created by holding onto past mistakes. Then there is the odd day, where I have the strength, the mental clarity, the energy, everything has seemed to line up, and I can take a step forward, I can articulate how I feel and start to understand that feeling, learn how to work through that feeling.
I have always felt inadequate, that by making people around me happy will make me a good person, will give me a sense of accomplishment, but it didn’t. Instead, my life became all about other people, their businesses, their desires, etc. and I stopped living my life for me.
I know I could have dealt with it better, but I must let that go because at the end of the day I can’t go back and change it!
Living Life Again…
I have lived so long in survival mode, that it feels like I am learning how to live again.
I am finally starting to do things that I enjoy.
I want to start doing things for others again, but this needs to be slow. Before I can start bringing people back into my life, I have to do a certain amount of work, or I will lose myself again.
I am finding my own voice again, being true to how I feel, learning to be clearer in my communication and to stop constantly apologising for s**t situations that have nothing to do with me.
I have always struggled to see where I fit in, I am learning how to create the space that will no longer make me feel like I must fit in, but rather the world can fit in around me.
I am making myself stronger, before I let the world back in.
If you want to read up on survival mode and find a way out of it these posts are a great place to start. I have to stress, if you are struggling then make sure you reach out to a professional.
