“She Changed, but not overnight like in the books you read. Over years. Slowly and painfully. Sometimes brutally. But she did.” – Unknown

We all just want to live life the best we can. Sometimes life gets messy and out of control – so we get stuck or freeze; just like a computer we might need a “hard reboot” (yup I am using geeky terms) or we might benefit from a factory reset.

Society is all about quick fixes and it is so easy to get caught up in the various ‘movements’. I have found these caused me more harm than they did good.

It was like applying a plaster/band aid to a wound that needs stitches (broken bone?)! It took ages to heal, and I never actually healed properly, the scars were worse than they needed to be.

I have decided to do a Life Reset, but not overnight, I am letting this process take as long as it needs. If I am moving forward and healing then I am going to continue, I will not let it go on forever, but equally I don’t want to stop before the changes have a chance to stick.

THE DEFINITION OF RESET

  • to set again or anew;
  • to start again after a period of rest or change, so that you feel better able to deal with your life or with a situation; (Cambridge.org)
  • adjust again after an initial failure aka readjust;

 

THE DEFINITION OF HARD RESET/FACTORY RESET

  • its a software restore of an electronic device to its original system state by erasing all data, settings, and applications that were previously stored on the device. This is often done to fix an issue with a device, but it could also be done to restore the device to its original settings

 

THE DEFINITION OF ANEW

  • If you do something anew, you do it again, often in a different way from before. 

This is not a quick fix, it takes time – you need to be patient with yourself – accept that some days will be bad, and others will be amazing! Be kind to yourself on bad days!

Make sure you are ready, and don’t force it if you aren’t, I have tried multiple times and it was always like a false start, it never stuck. I had healing to do before I had the capacity to make any lasting changes. I needed to learn to forgive myself.

MOST IMPORTANTLY…

Don’t try and do it all at once. Focus on one thing at a time, one area at a time.

“Don’t be afraid to start over. This time you’re not starting from scratch, you’re starting from experience.” – unknown

I have always jumped headfirst into everything and started passionately and then that fizzled because I ran out of energy.

I am learning how to pace myself and be realistic about timescales – which is something that I have NEVER been able to do.

WHY DID I FEEL SO DRIVEN TO RESET?

  • I was overwhelmed, living in survival mode
  • I couldn’t make progress
  • I couldn’t move forward
  • I couldn’t think straight
  • I was stuck
  • Depression
  • Anxiety
  • Low self esteem
  • No self-worth
  • I felt like a failure
  • I am not getting any younger
  • I know we are not having more children
  • My life changed, I didn’t
  • I lost control and needed to regain control
  • I hit rock bottom
  • Cycle of self-sabotage
  • I BROKE

Something needed to change and only I could make that change.

THE STEPS I AM TAKING…

THERAPY

For me it started with weekly therapy, over a year on and I am still having weekly sessions, because it is working for me!

I will admit, having the NHS I felt entitled to free mental health care, but the waitlist and the process made me not possible for me.

The hoops you have to jump through to get help on the NHS made it inaccessible to me. You had to take part in a 4 week group program for CBT before you could even try to get a 1:1 therapist. This was a 2 ft thick cement wall for me. I couldn’t even speak to my family or friends let alone join in a group!!!

And then even if I did complete the group program, I would have to see my therapist in person! Which was a complete no go for me! (this was all pre COVID, hopefully it has changed).

So, I looked for alternatives. I didn’t feel like I deserved help from Samaritans (this is what happens when you have low self-esteem/worth).

I found Better Help, at that time only therapists in the USA were available. That has now changed and many therapists in the UK are available now.

I had a really good therapist the first time, but she wasn’t based in the UK and not quite the right fit for me. So, when I was looking again I got really specific about what I was looking for and I knew that if I didn’t feel comfortable or that the new therapist wasn’t the right fit, I could find another one easily. Lucky for me, my new therapist is AWESOME, she is the perfect fit for me.

Better Help was perfect for me as there is no pressure to be face to face, you can have your session via text, audio only or video.  You can also apply for a discount if you are struggling financially.

Don’t stop searching until you find the right person!!

It has taken me over a year of weekly therapy to understand why and to start putting systems in place to find my true self and to start living life on my terms – stop being a people pleaser – which has been the biggest hurdle for me as I love my family, friends, and clients. I love making people happy, so when I don’t or when I hurt someone, it sends me into a self-destructive cycle.

Places to turn for help

Talk to your doctor or phone 111. You don’t have to do this alone.

JOURNALING

There is so much more to journaling that just writing down thoughts, it’s so versatile and you can tailor it to your needs

I use mine…

  • To understand how I am feeling/thoughts
  • To empty my brain
  • Get out negative feelings and thoughts so I don’t dwell on them.

The possibilities and uses for journaling are endless. I have recently started using multiple journals. I will be sharing more about them in the future.

  1. My main journal is for my raw thoughts
  2. Reading journal
  3. Book review journal
  4. Memory Journal
  5. What I am calling “Living the Dream Journal”.
  6. Therapy Journal
  7. Braindump Journal
  8. Financial Journal

I know this sounds like a lot – but it is what works for me. I find it easier to focus if I have books with different purposes. Less distractions.

PRIORITISE SELF-CARE

Self-care and prioritising it has been a total game changer for me. Simple things that I stopped doing while living in survival mode…

…like showering! Yup I am gonna say it, showering became nearly impossible for me to do, I was so exhausted mentally that even the simple thing of having a shower was too much. It’s gross and not something I am happy to admit, but it was the reality of where I was at.

Taking time for the little things like moisturizing my feet, hands and face.

Allowing time for break days. Days where I have zero expectations of getting anything done, where if I need to I can stay in my pjs all day, and just read or nap.

I am in the process of making a self-care kit and will share it once I am finished, but it will include things like a heating pad, my favourite blanket, special handcream, lip balm, essential oils and more. It will be stored somewhere that I can easily access it and use it in whatever room I choose.

MINDSET SHIFT

I started swapping negative words with more positive descriptions. I didn’t think of myself as a negative person, but during sessions, my therapist gently pointed out each time I was thinking negatively, and how it could be used as a positive.

Like when I was ‘cocooning’ I called it going dark. She helped me work out why I was doing this, and I began to realise that it was me restoring myself, and I said it was like I was cocooning so that I can come out stronger. Since that mindset shift, I have made massive amounts of progress.

Changing the initial negative thought into a positive/

Affirmations have been powerful for me. I do not sit there and repeat them, but I do have them to hand so when I need them they are there.

At the suggestion of my therapist, I downloaded an app. I use the I AM app, I love it because you can favourite the affirmations you like, and then you can set it so these are the only affirmations you see.

They pop up on my phone and watch frequently, it gives me that little push that I didn’t know I needed.

READING

I LOVED, and I mean LOVED reading as a kid, up until I hit my teens then that slowly dwindled. I love books, I remember going to the library often as a kid, my favourite were things like The Hardy Boys, Nancy Drew, The Babysitters Club.

I remember my dad reading to me as a kid when I was sick and sleeping at the bottom of their bed during the day so I was right there, easy for my mum to get to. It lifted my spirits like nothing else.

As a young adult I got out of the habit of reading. Since having my youngest I have gotten back into it, my nightly routine includes reading fiction. Reading for fun, enables me to press pause on everything going through my head (things that need doing) it also helps me fall asleep at night.During the day I am trying to get into a routine of reading non-fiction books that will help me grow. This helps me keep my brain active, and also gives that little extra encouragement when I need it.

MUSIC

Music has always been a huge part of my life. From listening to my dad’s records, making mixed tapes from the radio to starting my own collection of music. (YES I am that old)

Music was always my go to for any situation. When I was feeling overwhelmed, I would escape to my bedroom, or take the peddle boat out on the lake and listen to my music. It enabled me to sort my thoughts out. As a teen, whenever I went skiing, I would have my “Walkman” with me, once of my go to bands for skiing to was The Doors!!

There is nothing that a good drive with music blasting can’t help.

As life changed – responsibilities piled on, I became a mother.

I got older, anxiety and depression set in. I lost myself – I didn’t focus on my needs – selfcare – I was stuck in a never-ending cycle of “sabotage” (cue beastie boys)

I stopped listening to music for fun or just because, unless I was in the car, and even then I just listened to the radio.

Not anymore, now I have music playing when I am in the kitchen, having a shower or just because I wanna have a little boogy.

I love live music, the atmosphere, the beat pulsing through my body – the joy!

Since my youngest came along its harder to make time for the things I love and enjoy – like concerts! 

This year there are so many amazing concerts – bands from my teens that I dreamt about seeing live are touring. Like Smashing Pumpkins, Wheezer, Greenday, OMD, ACDC and Barenaked Ladies!!!!

We met Barenaked Ladies, that concert was one of the funniest concerts I have ever been to, so much laughing and singing! It will go down as a night to remember.

I am also going to Paloma Faith and Taylor Swift!! 

Unknowingly I made this year my year of concerts or as I am calling it “my year of fun!”

YEAR OF FUN

We don’t celebrate Christmas or Birthdays etc. So instead, I choose something fun like Mario Day to plan a day of activities and treats.

The days are based around things our family enjoy doing together and experiences I think would be fun! Any excuse to enjoy life!

Some of the things I have planned this year and into the next…

  • Bob Ross Day
  • Boardgame day
  • Muppets Day
  • Sesame Street Day
  • Lego Day
  • First Annual Cake Off

 

And a few more!

If I get stuck or feel like doing something impulsive I have a jar of ideas and I have all the Adventure books – haven’t used them yet because even though it was all planned out, it felt like too much!

We will also be going to some sporting events, like the NFL when it comes to London.

ACTION IS NEEDED

No action is too small! It all leads to progress.

Some days getting out of bed is hard – so even if you can only manage one thing that’s ok!! It might be being able to declutter or go through one box of items.

DELCUTTERING AND ORGANISING MY ENVIRONMENT

When we moved I intentionally didn’t fully unpack. I wanted to go through everything and get rid of items we didn’t need. Sadly things didn’t go to plan. For a few reasons 1) I was not healing 2) Because our previous house was unorganised chaos, it meant a lot of random items in boxes.

I decided to let my studio go, so had to move everything from there into our house.

Setting up rooms to inspire me and spaces I can reset/get the most out of my self-care, creating a sanctuary.

The BBC Progamme hosted by Stacey Solomon, Sort Your Life Out, has been a huge inspiration.

As I am going through the process of decluttering and organising the house, it is lessening my mental load, making me feel free.

I am making sure that we are only keeping what we actually need and nothing more! I am making sure that everything has a place and use, if it doesn’t, then it isn’t staying in our house.

For me being able to easily access items is essential, do I am making sure to put systems in place that will help me rather than add to my mental load.

Like my “Morning/Book Cart”, this holds my journals, pens and books and other items I need access to for my morning routine.

LETTING THINGS GO

PHYSICALLY & MENTALLY even if I was forced to – this is where therapy for me was essential.

  • Baby stuff – so much to unpack here – wanting more children, wanting to foster, maybe adopt.
  • Dreams – life has changed so much that what once might have been possible isn’t anymore.
  • Past mistakes – forgiving myself
  • Identifying what I needed to change or let go of
  • Decluttering the physical items in my life, has been powerful.

ISOLATING MYSELF AKA COCOONING

It was my way of surviving. Communication felt overwhelming, still does. It gives me panic attacks, makes me want to crawl into bed and sleep. Hello avoidance at its best.

Taking time out, allowed me to realise my own thoughts, my own opinions, it shut down the conversations in my head. It gave me the freedom to be myself, to figure out who I am, who I want to be. This won’t be suitable for everyone, but for me it was important almost essential to starting to heal, make small steps forward. To stop trying to please everyone, even though they didn’t have that expectation. It was what I felt I needed to be doing.

This also had its downsides – it upset/hurt people that found it hard to understand, friendships were lost or damaged. Some aspects of my life ground to an abrupt hault.

As hard as it was it was the most powerful thing I have done so far. It has enabled me to dig deep, really find myself!!

ACKNOWLEDING I AM A PEOPLE PLEASER

I am a people pleaser…there I said it! What I am realising is the impact that has had on my life, how I have lived, the decisions I have made or avoided making. The impact it has had on my family and friendships.

Acknowledging this and accepting it for what it is, helped me move forward. The expectations my parents had for me are not realistic for me, and I was trying to be a square fitting into a round hole. I tried but to the detriment of my own mental health, self-esteem. Even into my 40’s I was still living my life to try and please my parents. Then I realised finally that it wasn’t realistic for ME!

Also accepting that I don’t need their approval to work towards my dreams and aspirations. I didn’t go to university because of them. It is one of the biggest regrets I have.

I can’t go back and change that; I can only change how I move forward.

ACCEPTING THAT PEOPLE’S OPINIONS OF ME DON’T MATTER

They don’t know me, they aren’t living my life, they didn’t have my upbringing, they don’t know the trauma I went through, and it is none of their business. I always felt the need to justify and explain my actions, my reasons, my thoughts.

It took time to understand that peoples opinions are often influenced by their experiences. That they may project their insecurities onto me!

I know my heart, I know my intent, I know I was judgement and gossipy in the past, but since surrounding myself with people who accept me for who I am, I have stopped the toxic behaviour, I am not worrying about how others are living their lives. If they are happy – that is all that matters!

I am focusing on me and how I am choosing to live my life, what is important to me, my husband and children. At the end of the day, their opinions are the only ones that matter to me.

HABITS ARE IMPORTANT

I have always known habits are important, but again always thought of things like biting my nails as the habits to worry about.

It wasn’t until I read (insert book) about how habits can effect our goals, that I started realising there were habits had far more impact on our lives.

I started to identify what habits are harmful and what ones are helpful, and started making changes accordingly. This felt far less overwhelming, and helped me focus on the habits that would have the most benefits.

I stopped focusing on breaking bad habits and more on replacing habits with better ones.

CHANGING HOW I DEAL WITH OVERWHELM

This meant sitting down and digging deep into how I currently react to overwhelming situations. What do I automatically do?

Which actions are helpful, and which are harmful? I always viewed napping as something extremely negative, but now I understand that if I feel the need to nap, it is my bodies way of telling me I need to have a break, it resets me.

I can remember my grandpa having afternoon naps on the lawn. We laughed about it as kids, but now I know it was him having a little bit of self-care after working hard.

I am working on making a plan on how to deal with overwhelm going forward. One thing I am definitely going to include is being kinder to myself when I am feeling this way, and getting to the root of it.

HOBBIES

Re-discovering my love of hobbies, appreciating the therapeutic benefits having a hobby brings. It brings me happiness and a sense of accomplishment.

I like a mixed bag of things, I am making sure that I am dedicating time to each and everyone of these…

  • Photo & video archiving. I really want to preserve memories for my children and their children.
  • I want to finish the blanket my grandma started and never had a chance to finish
  • Lego, you are NEVER too old to play with Lego!!! I mean enjoy Lego! There is something so satisfying about creating with these colourful little bricks.
  • Family Tree. Learning about my ancestors and hearing their stories, finding out scandalous things about things that happened 100+ years ago. Being able to preserve this history for the next generation.
  • Getting creative again!
  • Reading, there is nothing better than losing yourself in a good book! It is rejuvenating!
  • I am trying to get back into photography, for now on my iphone but I hope to pick my dslr again and get creative. I still have some healing to do around photography.

BRAINDUMP

I have started keeping all my braindumps in one notebook. I date each braindump and then when I am making my task lists I will refer to the braindumps.

If I notice a repeating item, I will make it a priority as it is clearly taking up space in my brain so needs to be dealt with sooner rather than later.

I find it reassuring that I will not forget things that I want to do. I can quickly and easily refer to them any time I need to.

By dating them it helps keep track of how much time passes, which in turn helps me prioritise my tasks.

Its been essential in keeping overwhelm under control, because I am not storing these things in my head any longer than I need to.

WORKING ON RELATIONSHIPS

Whilst living in survival mode every relationship in my life suffered some sort of damage.

My hope is over time I can mend these, but also understand some are probably beyond repair.

This makes me sad, but life isn’t perfect, and I respect people’s decision to cut me out of their life if that is what’s right for them. I am always here if they change their mind.

DUG DEEP

I dropped everything so I could identify what I needed in my life and what I needed to cut from my life.

“I am NOT… my past. My mistakes. My failures. My insecurities.

I AM… moving forward. Learning. Prosperous. Confident.” –  unknown

I am finally starting to feel like myself again, happy, fun, committed to living life to the full and not allowing bad days to suck me into a cycle I can’t get out of.

I have found healthier ways to cope on bad days, I have let go of the guilt associated with self-care! Which may include napping!

I am seeing the positive effects on my life and relationships by simply prioritising my self-care, putting my needs first sometimes.

 

WHERE TO START WHEN EVERYTHING FEELS OVERWHELMING?

I started with therapy and little acts of self-care and can recommend starting there.

How you choose to reset will be different to how I reset or how others do it. You might need less steps and you might need more.

Make a commitment to yourself, COMMIT TO DOING BETTER…FOR YOU!

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