“You have been criticizing yourself for years and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.” – Louise Hay
We don’t’ always choose what life gives us….
Me for one I didn’t choose to be blessed with an abundance of booty and thighs…but hey I got them anyways.
Regardless of my weight my bum and thighs are always HUGE, gargantuous, you name it, that is what they are.
I want to take you on my journey of learning to love my ample ass and thighs and every other imperfect part of my body.
MY STORY…
From the age my body started changing into what my genetics said I was going to be, my siblings teased me bad…I got called thunder thighs, thunder butt… people ALWAYS comment on how big my butt is. If you can think of something to call it, I have probably already heard it.
At the age of 5 my niece said, “Aunty, why is your bum so big?” (I was only 24 years old and a size 18!) I mean what do you say to that? I laughed it off and then when I was alone, I cried.
I have always had a big bum, I have always been self-conscious about it. To the point where it stopped me from leaving the house, which meant my depression and anxiety spun out of control.
This is the first time that I am openly admitting that it is my butt that stops me from living a normal life.
I hear phantom laughs in the street, I am paranoid that people are pointing and laughing about my butt. I will have panic attacks because I can’t breathe normally when in public, my paranoia is that bad.
I will never usually post full body photos of myself, but that stops today!! Here I am in all my chunky glory!!! Time to embrace the body genetics gave me!
Some of the most humiliating things that have happened to me are…
THEME PARK HUMILIATION…
Not being able to ride a rollercoaster, not because of my weight but because my bum gives me such a lift that the safety bars won’t click in place. Ever since that day I have been even more humiliated and embarrassed about the size of my bum.
It was after this experience that I chose to join Lighter Life, which should be supportive but felt anything but! The instructor was extremely judgemental, made you feel shamed if you had a hard week. I had one woman say to me she couldn’t figure out why I was there, until I stood up and she saw how big my bottom half was. How are you supposed to respond to that? I just laughed it off as usual and pretended it didn’t hurt.
HOLIDAY…
During a trip to Portugal, a woman ACTUALLY asked to take a photo of my butt for her husband because in her words “it’s the biggest ass I’ve ever seen! And my husband loves big butts” Again how do you respond to that!?! Me not wanting to feel even more embarrassed bent over and said have at it! Gin may have played a part in me being more relaxed about it.
TEAM NIGHT OUT…
On a team night out, the team requested Baby Got Back and they all danced around singing it at the top of their lungs. It has stuck with me, sometimes I do wonder if they were having a laugh at my expense. Instead of looking back on that night with fondness, I think back to it with paranoia and embarrassment.
HAIR, CHAIRS AND FLYING…
When I go to the hairdresser and she can’t lower the chair enough to cut my hair, (because my bum gives me such a lift and she is short) my anxiety kicks in, I start to sweat and I automatically slump down in the chair. Feeling embarrassed to the point I haven’t been to the hairdresser in a couple of years.
When I go to restaurants or pubs and there are arms on the chairs…. I want to turn and run with every part of my body. I then must frantically scan the room for a chair without arms, and if there happens to be an empty one, nonchalantly go swap it for one with arms without drawing attention to the fact that I am changing it because I will end up with bruises on my outer thighs because my butt is so big.
It isn’t flabby either, maybe if it was, I wouldn’t have those issues, but nope it is SOLID and so there is not much give when squeezing into seats.
Don’t even get me started on flying, when my seatbelt won’t close by less than an inch, so I have to ask for a seatbelt expander. The way people look at me when I board the plane, I feel it even more when flying solo, hoping that no-one is in the seat next to me. And if there is spending the whole flight trying to make myself smaller (by clenching and leaning into the window) so I don’t make them uncomfortable. In the meantime trying not to move, by the time I get off the plane I am so stiff I can hardly walk. Then begins the wait until I am the last one off the plane so that no-one is walking behind me up the isle.
“Don’t change your body to get respect from society. Instead, let’s change society to respect our bodies.” – Golda Poretsky
IF ONLY KIM KARDASHIAN WAS AROUND WHEN I WAS A KID…
Then you have people getting bum implants and I have to wonder why I am so ashamed of my body. I can’t help but wonder if I grew up in a “Kim Kardashian” world would I have embraced my body as a teen and been proud, and not suffered the years of paranoia, weight gain, depression or anxiety.
Whether or not you like Kim Kardashian, one thing that she has done is made it possible for curvy girls to embrace the curves and not wish to be stick thin. Growing up in the 80’s/90’s was so damaging in so many ways.
BE KIND TO YOURSELF AND OTHERS…
I am not happy being this size, however I know if I don’t start loving myself as I am right now, I will never be happy with my body regardless of my size.
I want to get fit, I want to be confident, I want to have a style. I don’t want to be ashamed anymore.
But one thing I realised, I inherited my shape, I look at photos of my paternal grandma and her mother and again her mother ALL 3 generations were bless with curves and an overabundance of booty, so make that 4 generations!
Could I stand to lose weight, absolutely, but one thing that will never change is my curves, they will always be there, my butt will always be shapely, I will always be bigger, I will never be a size 0. Guess what!?! I no longer want to be a size 0, I am going to embrace all my lumps and bumps and learn to love my body for what it is.
It may not be perfect, but it’s mine! Mine to love!
Next time you see someone who is larger, be kind, you don’t need to shame them as I can pretty much guarantee THEY ARE ALREADY SHAMING THEMSELVES to the point where it causes them harm.
How about instead, compliment them, support them. If you see someone being a jerk to them, stand up for them.
You do not know why they are the size they are! Maybe a kind word is all it will take to help them heal.
“Say goodbye to your inner critic, and take this pledge to be kinder to yourself and others” – Oprah
