“Cry if needed. Slow down if needed. Re-evaluate if needed. Take a break if needed. Talk to someone if needed.
But you will never see the reward if you quit. KEEP GOING, and never give up on yourself.” -unknown
WELCOME
I have spent close to a decade living in survival mode, not realising this is what I was doing, or understanding the impact living this way had on my life.
By accepting and thanking “survival mode” for its service, I have finally been able to move into a new chapter of my life. This means that sometimes I feel like I am learning to live life again.
I am determined to not let my mental illness dictate my life anymore. I WILL NOT let it ruin anymore relationships I value.
I am taking back control and choosing to not feel ashamed by my actions while I was in “survival mode” (even though inside I am screaming “shame! shame! shame!”).
WHAT IS THIS AND WHAT CAN YOU EXPECT…
I am not a professional, this is not meant to be advice. This is me sharing my journey and discoveries I have made along the way. How I have gone from survival mode to starting to live my life again.
I will be sharing…
- my insecurities
- my shame
- my regrets
- my life reset
- how I am making my house a sanctuary
- how I turned isolating myself into a positive
- what I call my “year of fun”
Let me tell you a little bit about myself…
YOU MIGHT THINK I AM CONFIDENT, BUT I AM ANYTHING BUT…
Sometimes it surprises people when I tell them I suffer from depression, anxiety and that my self-esteem is as low as it gets.
I remember someone said to me “I always thought you were so confident” I laughed and said NOPE not in the slightest. This was after telling him that I had horrible anxiety and social situations were hard for me.
My friendly manner can come across as confident.
I love people, I love meeting new people, I love hearing people’s stories but inside my brain is telling me “they are judging me, my weight, my gargantuous butt. I am not good enough, they don’t like me. They are laughing at me. They are mocking me.”
If it is negative, you better believe it is going through my mind.
My friendliness is genuine, my curiosity/interest in other people is genuine, my intentions are genuine!
My confidence however is FAKE, FAKE Fakity FAKE.
My low self-esteem makes me feel unworthy of having friends.
THE MOST IMPORTANT PHOTO I HAVE EVER TAKEN
I remember the moment I took this photo. It was while I was on holiday in Portugal, I was taking photos trying to look all sorts of cool.
Then I thought screw it and thought I would pose like the “chin lady”.
This has ended up becoming one of my favourite photos from the whole trip.
Why?
It was hilarious to take, I couldn’t stop laughing at the ridiculousness of it.
But more importantly, it shows a side of me that doesn’t care what I look like.
Every time I look at it, I can feel the “playfulness” that was running through me.
The freedom of being silly, not trying to please anyone but ME.
PEOPLE PLEASING AT ITS BEST…
For so long I thought being a good friend was saying yes to everything, wanting to help do everything, even at the cost of my mental health and my family.
Here’s the thing, I thought I was doing good. It felt so good to help people. I genuinely thought I could do it all!
I justified my actions to my husband by saying it would eventually help my business and that it would help me.
Guess what happened!?
SURPRISE, I had a breakdown, I was constantly depressed, anxious, worried, ashamed, and felt guilty and like I was never doing enough. It meant everything that was valuable to me was put on the backburner.
My life came to a standstill, I stopped everything, stopped talking to people, stopped opening my post, stopped checking messages and emails, I went into super survival mode and a never-ending cycle of self-sabotage.
This didn’t just happen overnight, it was years in the making, and it lasted for years.
In the end it made me feel like the worst person in the world.
WHAT SAYING YES DID TO ME…
One of the most damaging pieces of advice I was given was to say “yes” to EVERY opportunity. I was so excited I wasted no time, I eagerly agreed to everything without giving it a second thought, or the actual energy it might consume.
While that might work for some people, for others like me who are people pleaser, are impulsive and have low self-esteem and self-worth it is severely damaging advice.
We take on more than we can deal with, and then we shame spiral. We are constantly apologising for letting people down. We feel guilty when we disappoint those we were trying to help or please.
The urge, the need to please people is still there. Some days it is so overwhelming I just crawl into bed to stop the negative thoughts.
DEALING WITH THE MESS…
Overtime, I have forgotten how to be a friend without losing myself in the process. Actually I am not sure I ever knew how to be a friend without losing myself. This is why “cocooning” has been VITAL for me (I will talk about that more later).
I am fighting it every day to put myself and my family first. It has been overwhelming cleaning up the mess my life has become. I am learning my boundaries,
Thankfully I have the most amazing therapist, who is helping me work my way through the mire and what sometimes feels like quicksand. She has been my lifeline.
The reality is until dealing with the people pleaser in me, I won’t be able to move forward, forgive myself.
Our actions have consequences and so does lack of action. For me I take each consequence incredibly hard, personal and it incapacitates me. These consequences piled high for me and I could only just keep myself afloat.
It’s bizarre as I know there will be consequences, but I still can’t take the action. This makes me feel even worse because I know if I just took action, I wouldn’t be in this position, but I still couldn’t do it. It’s like I get stuck in cement.
I am learning to let go of my mistakes, my past. I am learning to keep moving forward.
